Yes it is I, the dark lord, the antichrist or as some of you have chosen to depict me: a red, two-horned, trident-wielding cartoon villain (I found that hurtful btw).
I know my past looks bad. In your Bible, it is said that I am a "fallen angel" and that I challenged God, but who among us hasn’t wanted to stand up to our boss and ask "Who put you in charge?" God just said, "I did."
All day people are on about “Earth’s beauty,” the heavens, and His limitless power. Here's something your God can't do: take feedback. My so-called "challenging" -- I asked God if we could switch the ice in the main cafeteria to that crunchy kind they have at Sonic. He lost his sh*t. Remember Jesus flipping tables at the temple? It runs in the family.
Sodom and Gomorrah? Noah's Ark? The Plagues? Name one thing I've done that bad. One.
I live in a double-wide trailer 5000 feet below the world's surface, surviving on a diet of Four Loko and Slim Jim, spending most of my time sweating, wondering who TF is keeping Edible Arrangements in business - but I'm the bad guy? Um, OK.
Sure, I did urge Eve, as a snake, to eat the forbidden fruit. I opened someone's eyes to the world! That’s not that bad. I can name a worst snake. How about ANY SNAKE? A rattler, a cobra, an anaconda, Ted Cruz. I didn't even bite Eve. I asked her to chomp a honey crisp, people. Wake up.
Did I tempt Jesus? Sure. I made him an offer of all the Kingdoms in the World. Tbh, total BS, but whatever. Jesus said "Away with you, Satan." And I left! We can't make offers to people now? Isn't that the whole premise of your capitalism? Give me a break.
All I ever hear is "Well, God is perfect." Really? Have you seen a giraffe? How about a horse's mouth or mosquitos? Platypuses? THE DODO BIRD?! AIDs? Tampa? God made all that. I stab people with a pitch fork. C'mon.
You've been taught that I tempt you to do anything that's bad. Isn't that convenient? Anytime YOU do something wrong, it's somehow my fault. Maybe just some of you are TA.
Yes, me and my demons spend most of our days torturing human beings in hell. So? God put us here and what else can we do? Seriously, tell me. It's almost as hot as Phoenix here on some days.
For every thing you hold against me, think about all the things that people do in the name of God: hate gay people, the Salem Witch Trials, 9/11, Christian rock.
Can I at least get a everyone sucks here?!